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What To Do If Jessica Lange Is One of the Voices in Your Head

My Imaginary American Horror Story.

I survived torment not unlike Coven and Asylum- an all-girl Catholic High School filled with nuns and teenaged witches. My curse as an adult is an imagination capable of magnifying a glimmer of light into a disembodied eyeball peering through a second story window.

I am afraid of the dark. Things that go bump in the night terrify me.

Jessica Lange is one of the voices in my head.

What’s a scaredy cat to do?

Get a dog.

I haven’t had a pooch-free day since the 80’s. As a result, unless my insomnia attacks me, my mind rests rather easily most of the time.

One dark and stormy night, (because every horror story, imaginary, American or otherwise, needs thunder and lightning), an explosion of glass blasted me and both dogs out of our collective snoring and dreaming. We froze, three huddled masses beneath a make-shift shield of sheets and blankets.

“Go see. Go, go see.” I whispered vehemently, trying to rile Samantha and George, my Boxers, into storming the front-door.

Go see yourself, their faces said back, without so much as a muscle twitch. We all stopped breathing as well, to listen for clues about the intrusion.

I didn’t hear anything. More to the point, I didn’t hear anyone. If a prowler was in the house, I reasoned, the dogs would go crazy. They would bark incessantly and viciously at a strange person, I was convinced.

At that moment, as they hid under the comforter, I had to wonder if my certainty was misplaced.

Happy Birthday to Single and the Sweet Side of 40: A birth, a death and the whole half story

October 24, 2013

Happy Birthday, Single and the Sweet Side of 40. Welcome to the blogosphere.

Launching a new website on a mid-autumn Thursday is not an obvious move. An optimist (not me) or PR Pro (formerly me) might focus on the slow-news-day aspect; it should be easier to get the story out.

A logical person, a data analyst or a business strategist might try to rule the day with facts and pie charts. Clearly, not, not, not me.

Me? Why did I decide this blog should be born October 24, 2013?

It’s my half-birthday, of course. Who could resist starting a website for single people on a day that is special for being half of something? Not me, because in a world where “whole” is only possible by joining two halves, single women have a bigger PR problem than a blog born under Scorpio.

50 Secrets, Surprises and Confessions about Single Women and the Sweet Side of 40

What we can live with, what we can’t live without and what’s up with that?

1) Your house is cleaner when you take off your glasses.

2) Cheese is dinner and cereal is any meal.

3) People you’ve known the longest don’t love you the most.

4) Friends are more important than lovers. 

5) It’s OK if you don’t know everything. Fortunately, you do.

6) French lingerie can be worn daily. I’d say should but #7.

7) All your “should-do’s” should be health related. Everything else should be “want-to-do’s.”

8) Estee Lauder, Laura Mercier and Bobbi Brown are modern day saints.

9) People think you are smarter. Also, #33. 

What Single Women Over 40 Really Want in Bed (Batteries included)

Do you know what women want in bed?

If you are a single woman on the Sweet Side of 40, chances are you do. Chances are you are intimately familiar with your body- and not just the effects of gravity. By the time a Big “0” birthday comes around, a woman knows her own O’s.

We know what we need, how we like to feel and when to move a little to the left. We know if we are too tired and when we need assistance from personal electronics. Our nightstands are as well-stocked as a hotel min-bar, minus the tiny bottles. (Or not.)

We mostly keep the secrets of what we want between the sheets within the sisterhood. Women discuss performance issues and bodily measurements—his, not hers—at greater length and in greater detail than the worst locker room talk imaginable.

The difference between the girl-talk and guy-talk is, we aren’t bragging. Well, maybe sometimes, for “educational” purposes. Usually, we are intrigued and eager to hear who did what to whom and where it ended up. We warn each other of Carlos Danger-types. We applaud every “oh my god.”

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