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What To Do If Jessica Lange Is One of the Voices in Your Head

My Imaginary American Horror Story.

I survived torment not unlike Coven and Asylum- an all-girl Catholic High School filled with nuns and teenaged witches. My curse as an adult is an imagination capable of magnifying a glimmer of light into a disembodied eyeball peering through a second story window.

I am afraid of the dark. Things that go bump in the night terrify me.

Jessica Lange is one of the voices in my head.

What’s a scaredy cat to do?

Get a dog.

I haven’t had a pooch-free day since the 80’s. As a result, unless my insomnia attacks me, my mind rests rather easily most of the time.

One dark and stormy night, (because every horror story, imaginary, American or otherwise, needs thunder and lightning), an explosion of glass blasted me and both dogs out of our collective snoring and dreaming. We froze, three huddled masses beneath a make-shift shield of sheets and blankets.

“Go see. Go, go see.” I whispered vehemently, trying to rile Samantha and George, my Boxers, into storming the front-door.

Go see yourself, their faces said back, without so much as a muscle twitch. We all stopped breathing as well, to listen for clues about the intrusion.

I didn’t hear anything. More to the point, I didn’t hear anyone. If a prowler was in the house, I reasoned, the dogs would go crazy. They would bark incessantly and viciously at a strange person, I was convinced.

At that moment, as they hid under the comforter, I had to wonder if my certainty was misplaced.

Happy Birthday to Single and the Sweet Side of 40: A birth, a death and the whole half story

October 24, 2013

Happy Birthday, Single and the Sweet Side of 40. Welcome to the blogosphere.

Launching a new website on a mid-autumn Thursday is not an obvious move. An optimist (not me) or PR Pro (formerly me) might focus on the slow-news-day aspect; it should be easier to get the story out.

A logical person, a data analyst or a business strategist might try to rule the day with facts and pie charts. Clearly, not, not, not me.

Me? Why did I decide this blog should be born October 24, 2013?

It’s my half-birthday, of course. Who could resist starting a website for single people on a day that is special for being half of something? Not me, because in a world where “whole” is only possible by joining two halves, single women have a bigger PR problem than a blog born under Scorpio.

The 10 Best Answers to the 1 Worst Question for Single Women

Sorry you asked.

You’re doing your thing. Smiling, small talking, surveying the scene, when out of the something-borrowed-something-blue, your sister’s friend, your cousin or co-worker obliterates personal boundaries by deciding, WTF, it can’t hurt to ask:

“I always wondered, pretty girl like you, *Why Aren’t You Married?”

AKA, you’ve been *WAYM’d (like wham, minus George Michael).

First of all, you must be headless if you believe “pretty” has anything to do with married. Hideous folks get hitched every day.

Second, any single woman, especially those of us on the Sweet Side of 40 or 50, politely says WTF, it does, in fact, hurt to ask. Maybe a pinch, more likely a punch. Only about 10% of American adults know the reason they remain unwed and blissful: those who know they do not want to be legally married. (Ironically, I got that stat from a match.com sponsored study.)

Third, ever heard the saying, “There are no stupid questions, just stupid people?” Turns out, there are both.

Why aren’t you married? Stupid.

Why are you still single? Stupid.

When are you going to settle down? Stupid.

Are you divorced? Really really stupid.

I’ve been asked all those stupid questions and every variation of the same basic inquisition: why don’t I have a husband? By now, I’m lucky (I think– I’m not in the 10%, so it’s only a shred of luck at best). I don’t get WAYM’d quite so often.

Word gets out when you are “sensitive” about your status.

Moreover, my nearest and dearest are over it; they love me the way I am. The queries come a few times year, though at every single wedding. (See what I did there? Single + Wedding? HA!) I don’t go to reunions and WAYM is half the reason why. (Boredom is the other half.)

What Single Women Over 40 Really Want in Bed (Batteries included)

Do you know what women want in bed?

If you are a single woman on the Sweet Side of 40, chances are you do. Chances are you are intimately familiar with your body- and not just the effects of gravity. By the time a Big “0” birthday comes around, a woman knows her own O’s.

We know what we need, how we like to feel and when to move a little to the left. We know if we are too tired and when we need assistance from personal electronics. Our nightstands are as well-stocked as a hotel min-bar, minus the tiny bottles. (Or not.)

We mostly keep the secrets of what we want between the sheets within the sisterhood. Women discuss performance issues and bodily measurements—his, not hers—at greater length and in greater detail than the worst locker room talk imaginable.

The difference between the girl-talk and guy-talk is, we aren’t bragging. Well, maybe sometimes, for “educational” purposes. Usually, we are intrigued and eager to hear who did what to whom and where it ended up. We warn each other of Carlos Danger-types. We applaud every “oh my god.”

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